A down day

I woke up this morning, bright and early. The sun was gleaming through a tiny splice in the curtains and I was looking forward to be seeing Carsonsdaddy in a little while, who was due to come round about half an hour after I awoke.
Hearing Carson happily playing, I lay back and browsed on my phone on twitter, which led me to Beebies Baby Store's maternity range and I was happily making a mental note of everything I want come payday next week.

Getting out of bed though and catching sight of myself in the mirror just appalled me.

Yup, for once, my gripe is not with SPD pain or bump shape or even heartburn. It's with my general appearance. What's funny is, if you ask anyone who knows me well, I am far from vain and often even scold my own friends/family for being judgemental of others sometimes - yeah... I'm nice like that!

But gawping back at me is a black-ring eyed, round faced, tired-assed, ming bag. I have raging red boils and yellow heads galore, overgrown eyebrows, open pores, dull eyes, sweaty skin and no jaw-line left. My hair is dry and brittle at the ends, but an oil-fest up top (I only washed it last night, wtf?)

Trying to keep positive, I jump (...I mean roll/drag/whimper my way) out of bed and set about freshening up and shaking this feeling off.

Noooo, my normally simple make-up routine goes wrong somehow - my skin's all cakey and my top lid's eyeliner is wonky. I look dreadful, what the hell is happening to me.
I scrub it all off and start again - OMG, it's the same again only now my skin is more irritated thanks to the constant touching.

I can tell today is going to be one of those days and the first, burning hot, tear rolls through the delicately applied but horrendously looking makeup. Then comes the second, and third, 'til you can't count them any more - just one stream per eyeball.

Curling myself up in a ball, telling myself to stop being entirely ridiculous, I run over the mental anguish I'm feeling. Let's face it, it's not just my appearance. It's me. I am always tired, always physically sore.

Work has been a major stress these past few weeks and I've really worked my ass off to make sure things will transition perfectly well once I'm gone but to top it off when I finished yesterday for maternity leave, I didn't even get a card of good luck! There was one thing that made me feel appreciated, a client turned up to the office, on her day off, with a bunch of flowers and a box of chocolates for me to wish me good luck. How lovely is that? But, strangely, it's on my mind and is adding to the upset. People I've worked with for a long long time didn't make that effort, but a client of one year did.

I think the stress has gotten to me and now that work is over for 9 months, my body (and mind) has just gone "thank feck" and broken down. Bit like the poor Blues-Mobile at the end of Blues Brothers!
I just feel over-worked, over-tired, under-appreciated. I'm not myself physically, I'm not myself mentally, I'm a burden on others when it comes to housework and/or shopping as it depends on how I'm feeling SPD-wise as to what I can and cannot do. I don't often get visitors (apart from good friends Cheryl and Tracey, when our schedules are in sync!) as I seem to be the one that does the visiting (you don't realise it, 'til you can't any more!) If only I could drive, I wouldn't be trapped at home.

Other than the issues I've mentioned, I really can't put a further finger on what my problem is. Typing it out, well, things don't seem so bad. I guess a problem shared is a problem halved.

Tell you what though, I feel sorry for anyone who has depression. I now understand what Carsonsdaddy meant when he once described it as a black fog, clouding your judgement, stopping the most simple of thought processes dead in it's track.

Wow.

Snapping myself out of this pathetic snivelling episode, I thank my lucky stars that this is just a down day.

Onwards and upwards....

11 comments Tags: depression, feelings, pregnant

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