Wanting To Die... Who's fault is that?

My husband and I lead a lovely life. Two wonderful children, a real homely home, we both have jobs. We have awesome friends and an incredibly loving, strong, family on both our sides who would do anything for us at the drop of a hat. As we would for them, of course. We watch all kinds of tv and love our movie days and nights. Laughing is a major part of our home, we play silly games and have tickle wars, or call each other smelly heads whilst pulling tongues and waving our fingers out of our ears– you know, the standard kind of banter as is present in any loving home

Sometimes, all is not as it seems.

Depression can affect any one of us mere human beings. And it's not the bearers fault. Whilst life to one looks perfect, it can be far from the truth to another. Attempting suicide is not about being selfish, nor is it about being inconsiderate or ungrateful. Anyone who takes this attitude is so very, very, wrong and quite clearly has no immediate experience of having anyone suffer with this dark and vicious beast. And for that I'm glad, because I wouldn't wish that situation on anyone. But it also means that depression is not publicised or talked about enough, and especially not taken as seriously as a physical ailment. Perhaps if it was called cancer, it would. In my opinion it is a rhetorical cancer – of the mind. It eats away at you inside until things don't work properly anymore. And, again, it's not the bearers fault. 

How can you escape from an invisible torture whilst stuck in the midst of a storm inside your mind? How can you explain that your thoughts don't care if you're in an otherwise happy situation with life? If your mind works perfectly sound then you'd tell yourself to ‘get over it’ or ‘grow up’ or whatever else fits the bill but those thought processes simply do not happen when you suffer from a mental illness. It is not their fault.

We all feel the world is against us at some stages in our lives. Heck, if I burn the dinner it's the devil out to get me. Imagine feeling like even your own mind is in on it though. 

With permission of my husband and careful consideration as to how this would help others as opposed to upset others, be it the depressed themselves or their friends and family, I put finger to keys and put it in writing for the first time... last week my husband tried to kill himself. A genuine attempt at suicide in a moment of panic at the fact that he could not escape 'himself'. 

It was not pretty and he is exceptionally lucky to be sat right next to me, talking, surviving, fighting.

For years its been glossed over with a fictitious plaster and put down to being moody or tired, an attitude problem or needing to get a grip. Well not anymore. We've a long road ahead of us but at long last his depression is being faced up to and fought - with everyone knowing that his struggle is OK and there is nothing to be ashamed of. 

It's not his fault. It’s not my fault. it's not friends or families fault. It’s depression.

Get well soon xxx

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