Wanting To Die... Who's fault is that?

My husband and I lead a lovely life. Two wonderful children, a real homely home, we both have jobs. We have awesome friends and an incredibly loving, strong, family on both our sides who would do anything for us at the drop of a hat. As we would for them, of course. We watch all kinds of tv and love our movie days and nights. Laughing is a major part of our home, we play silly games and have tickle wars, or call each other smelly heads whilst pulling tongues and waving our fingers out of our ears– you know, the standard kind of banter as is present in any loving home

Sometimes, all is not as it seems.

Depression can affect any one of us mere human beings. And it's not the bearers fault. Whilst life to one looks perfect, it can be far from the truth to another. Attempting suicide is not about being selfish, nor is it about being inconsiderate or ungrateful. Anyone who takes this attitude is so very, very, wrong and quite clearly has no immediate experience of having anyone suffer with this dark and vicious beast. And for that I'm glad, because I wouldn't wish that situation on anyone. But it also means that depression is not publicised or talked about enough, and especially not taken as seriously as a physical ailment. Perhaps if it was called cancer, it would. In my opinion it is a rhetorical cancer – of the mind. It eats away at you inside until things don't work properly anymore. And, again, it's not the bearers fault. 

How can you escape from an invisible torture whilst stuck in the midst of a storm inside your mind? How can you explain that your thoughts don't care if you're in an otherwise happy situation with life? If your mind works perfectly sound then you'd tell yourself to ‘get over it’ or ‘grow up’ or whatever else fits the bill but those thought processes simply do not happen when you suffer from a mental illness. It is not their fault.

We all feel the world is against us at some stages in our lives. Heck, if I burn the dinner it's the devil out to get me. Imagine feeling like even your own mind is in on it though. 

With permission of my husband and careful consideration as to how this would help others as opposed to upset others, be it the depressed themselves or their friends and family, I put finger to keys and put it in writing for the first time... last week my husband tried to kill himself. A genuine attempt at suicide in a moment of panic at the fact that he could not escape 'himself'. 

It was not pretty and he is exceptionally lucky to be sat right next to me, talking, surviving, fighting.

For years its been glossed over with a fictitious plaster and put down to being moody or tired, an attitude problem or needing to get a grip. Well not anymore. We've a long road ahead of us but at long last his depression is being faced up to and fought - with everyone knowing that his struggle is OK and there is nothing to be ashamed of. 

It's not his fault. It’s not my fault. it's not friends or families fault. It’s depression.

Get well soon xxx



38 comments:

  1. My inbox is always open, I myself have battled depression since the age of 13 when I first attempted to take my own life I am now 36 and 6 years ago I was finally diagnosed correctly with Bipolar and PTSD. I know how it feels daily to worry that each day is getting harder and harder and I totally understand why he did what he did - its not selfish its desperation. Keeo smiling and keep fighting hun x

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  2. Oh honey, I am so sorry it must be such a stressful time for you. Here if you ever need to talk x

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  3. I am so sorry to hear this, it must be tough not knowing where to turn but as long as you have the support around you that's the main thing. Remember you're never alone and that's what the blogging community is all about we're one big family. My thoughts are with you and the family x

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  4. So sorry to read this. As Rhian has said in the comments though, about the blogging community being one big family is so true. Always someone to talk to, and hopefully you will never ffeel too alone <3 x

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  5. Oh :-( I'm so sorry to hear this. I know it's not an immediate fix but I hope you can now try to work together to fight the demon that is depression together as a unit of support. X

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  6. I'm so sorry to hear this :( I know how hard depression is. It is nothing to be ashamed of and it affects so many of us. I am so glad your husband has you to support and help him through this hard time, it can not be easy for you either *hugs* xx

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  7. Sending you all love, prayers and strength. xx

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  8. Huge hugs to you all, depression is such a huge thing that is still pretty much a taboo. You have now faced the hardest part, and together you can face it head on x

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  9. Thoughts with you and your family. Our son suffered during his teens and it was particularly bad when at University. Thankfully, he is now recovered. It's brave of you to share a post that must be difficult for you both but good to raise awareness so people know how it affects the whole family and that it can strike when you least expect it.

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  10. So sorry to hear of your struggles, depression is a horrible beast. I hope your husband has a speedy recovery and gets all the help he needs xx

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  11. Big love to you and your family. I grew up with a mum who was in an out of depression most of the time. It is such a difficult thing to describe and I take my virtual hat of to anyone that shares their experience in such an honest way as you have. Take care and wish you and your family the best xx

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  12. Sending you all lots of positive healing thoughts. It's not easy, and I hope that as a family you are all taking steps to get the help that you all need to get through these difficult times. I wish I could do something like wave a magic wand and make it all better, but all I can do is offer you strength through words. Tomorrow is a new day. xx

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  13. I am so sorry to hear this. I hope you guys are doing well now. Sending e hugs.

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  14. I am really sorry that you are going through this. Male depression is not spoken about enough, and it should be spoken about more.

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  15. Oh Jo, my heart broke for the both of you that day. You know you can call me anytime I'm here for both of you. You are the strongest person I know, sending you lots of love as always

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  16. Oh Jo, I just don't know what to say other than I am here anytime, whether you want to vent, cry, shout, scream, rant or laugh x

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  17. Its so brave of you and Oz to be open like this! It really is a subject that needs to be made less taboo. So many people just don't understand how you can have depression if you have a 'happy' life and its so important its thought of as an actual illness. Big hugs to you all xxxx

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  18. I admire you and your husband so much for having the strength to talk about your struggles and I hope that you will both be ok. I know how depression feels and without it sounding strange I have often envisioned what it would be like if I am dead, how would people react? Because in my depressive moods I feel incredibly lonely, angry, upset and drained wondering if anyone cares but my problem is that I never talk about when I am upset I bottle up because the times I have opened up it has been met with 'depression is just a phase' and your 'just stressed' so I know what it feels like to not be listened to. I want to let you both know that I am here if you ever need a chat because I may not know what you are going through personally but if I can be of help just let me know xx

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  19. So sorry to read this. Hope you are all doing better. You're right that there's not enough awareness about depression - particularly clinical depression which is an illness due to a chemical imbalance in the brain. It's also more common than we realise I think.

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  20. Very sorry to read this, I have been in this position and it is awful! I really hope things get better for you x

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  21. I'm so pleased he didn't succeed, and I hope he is getting the help he needs and deserves. Wishing all of your family, but especially him, lots of love and luck, on the road back to health and happiness.

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  22. Depression is not an easy battle to fight. There are peaks and valleys, but thankfully there is help out there for those who reach for it!

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  23. Claire Elizabeth Noke10 February 2016 at 22:56

    I echo what all these other lovely people have said - Love and thoughts to you both xx

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  24. I was so sorry to have read this. Having suffered with this terrible illness for over 15 years, I know how bad things can get. I hope your husband manages to overcome these feelings, I am sure he will with your support. Best wishes to you all

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  25. Just always look the letters at the photo of your post. Happiness can overcome depression. ;)

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  26. You are very brave to write about this and I sincerely hope that with help and time your husband can overcome some of these awful thoughts and be able to be happier. I think what he needs now is lots of support and understanding and maybe take each day as it comes.

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  27. Oh bless you. What a brave post to write, so honest. Depression is a b*tch!

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  28. Oh gosh I'm so sorry to hear that your family is going through this. Your husband is lucky to have such a supportive wife and I sincerely hope that he feels better again soon!

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  29. I'm so sorry to hear about your troubles and I hope your husband feels better soon. Depression is horrible to go through and should never be ignored. Thank you for sharing this. x

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  30. I feel for you friend, I had a hard back in 2012. I hope it gets better for you!

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  31. Aw bless you all, what a difficult time it must be. I do love your attitude though and I'm sure that together you will beat this depression and come out fighting.

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  32. you can do this together! with the strength you both have, its beautiful. a supportive wife, what more does he need

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  33. So sorry to hear this. I wish depression was more accepted in this day and age. Such a horrible illness to have, sending all my love.

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  34. All that matters now is that friends and family are there to help the healing process. Love you both so much xxx

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  36. Sending love to your husband, as a person who has been there, I know how dark, lonely and isolating depression and suicide attempts can be. Just know that it is possible to come or the other side. I attempted twise, both times I hit rock bottom and thought they're was no way out, but I'm still here fighting and there is no reason for you not to do the same. You have a lovely supportive wife. So brave of you to post this Joanna. Always here if you need a chat, a cry or anything xxx

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  37. How lucky your husband is to have such a supportive, loving and understanding family to help him grow stronger, and beat this horrible disease. xx

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  38. I'm so sorry your husband has been dealing with depression. As a person who suffers with a mental illness myself, I can totally relate to the hardships of having your own mind play tricks on you. I really do hope your husband is getting treatment now and he's fighting this beast.

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