Losing Dad: Almost a year on...

Occasionally, I get jealous of people still having their Dad. Sounds awful, I know. I just can’t help but wonder what makes them so special that they get to cherish more time with their Dad. It lasts only for a brief moment, before that jealousy is clouded with goodwill… I hope they know they’re lucky. Really, really lucky. Good on them for treasuring what they have. Keep sharing those Facebook statuses about how wonderful they are, post with all your might. Wish I could. I often go to post about my Dad, but wonder if people would get bored/annoyed with the ‘old news’ that he’s gone. Not saying that people are intentionally mean, of course, but you just don’t want to wear people down do you? 

Yesterday was Carson’s 7th Birthday. It was a year to the day that I last physically saw my Dad alive… and conscious. It was one of those very rare days that I didn’t stay on the doorstep and wave until his car was out of sight. I just said ‘see ya later’ and turned my back – going back in to Carson’s tea party. 

My Dad’s 52nd birthday would have been tomorrow, the 12th August. Last year, I was away for his birthday. Something I’d never missed before. You just don’t expect it to be the last birthday that someone will ever celebrate… “There’s always next year”… you think. So we’re going to gather as a family and have a BBQ to celebrate his birthday for him. Being honest… I’m feeling emosh about it already. Should I be happy? Should I be sad? Is there a ‘should’ at all? Is it silly to wish a happy birthday to a dead person? How can it be happy? 

Next week is my hubby’s birthday and I am dreading that too. His birthday is also the first anniversary of my Dad’s passing. I’ve told myself that I’m going to focus my attention on my hubby, but I just know I’ll be clock watching thinking “this time last year”. Why are we humans so intent on self-torture? 

So, 9 days shy of a whole year without my Dad… Does it get better with time? 

That’s a question that I’m not ashamed to admit that I’ve Googled aplenty. 

Well, for me, the last 3 months I seem to have been able to control my tear ducts a little better, and I am able to laugh about funny things he said/did, but the pain? I’ll be completely honest. The pain remains the same. That heavy solid pulling in the pit of your stomach, the butterflies of anxiety that seem trapped up in your lungs making it hurt to breathe sometimes, the deep burning heat of your tears. It all just as bad. 

So if you’re here from Googling the same thing… 

Time is no healer. It just allows you to practice being OK to the outside world. You just… get used to it. 

Which is shit, I know. Sorry! 

At least once the first year is complete, there'll be no more "firsts" without him any more. I do like that thought, as horrid as that sounds. The first time at anything is always the hardest, so who knows? I could be contradicting myself this time next year... mind you, I could also be dead! I guess what I'm saying is the best thing to attempt to do is to live life appreciating what you do have, not what you don't have. It could all change at any moment. Tell those closest to you that you love them and not just on their birthday or at Christmas, but any boring old day, for no reason at all, other than making it known.  Who cares if it's 'weird'? Just do it. 

Love, Me xx

11 comments:

  1. Jo I'm not going to be able to eat my tea, I've got a lump the size of a melon in my throat, your dad knew he was loved and this post goes to show it. Stay strong you beautiful lady xxx

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    1. Aww what a lovely comment cheryl thank you. Sorry I'm ruining your tea though!! Xx

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  2. Sending you so much love. I can't even begin to know what you're going through but I'm sure that you'll remember all those amazing times with your dad and you'll laugh and smile - even though he's not here in person to be with you, his spirit and his love ALWAYS will be XXXXXXX

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    1. Truly touched by your words thank you so much rachael xx

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  3. My thoughts are with you Jo, I am lucky and have not been in this situation but I can only imagine how painful it is every day!

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  4. Thinking of you! I am so sorry....
    Sending love and hugs x

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  5. Glad I'm not the only one who feels like that jo. Only good news is that we have our memories, and that we have each other to lean on, whether it be for a hug, a joke, a memory or a cry...that's what families are for. Tomorrow will be hard, and so will next week, it's still hard every day, but as you said, you learn to cope that little bit every day. Love you loads sis ๐Ÿ’–๐Ÿ’–๐Ÿ’–๐Ÿ’– xxx

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  6. I lost my mum ten years ago and I still sometimes think its unfair others have a mum and I don't , especially older people which i know is mean of me. The first year is by far the worst as like you say its all the firsts without them. it gets easier in that you learn to live with it and can think of them with a smile on your face and not get upset when you talk about them but you will always miss them. Hope the next few days are not too bad for you xx

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  7. Sorry to hear how you are feeling, and I know it doesn't feel like it right now but time does heal it. I lost my Granddad around 6/7 years ago and I was so close to him, even closer than I am to my dad, and I was devestated to lose him, and time has helped, and now whenever I think of him I smile rather than cry and I know you will get there too xxx

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  8. So sorry to hear this :( I have no idea how you must feel but you are so brave for posting this on your blog. It won't be easy but I'm sure one day you'll be able to come to terms with it a bit better <3 xx

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  9. I'm sorry about your loss. The first year is the hardest but it gets a lot easier after the 'first ____ without him.' I lost my dad 11 years ago this year and I still regularly get pretty sad thinking about him. It's not weird to wish him a happy birthday, it's a good way of keeping his memory alive - you could do something he'd have liked to have done on his birthday, for instance! Stay strong, you've already made it through the first year now, you can do this :) xxx

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